Kurator, or Curator, or much ado about some random guy...

I've had a tradition, since the beginning of high school I believe, to keep a small notebook on me at all times. This acted as a more 'raw' personal journal of sorts, where I'd jot down everything from class schedules to my personal feelings. Test dates, OC ideas, weird things I saw, doodles of random shit, EVERYTHING went into those. I've fallen out of that habit as of late, probably because I'm not as forced to spend most of my time outside and in a stifling environment anymore, but as of late that outlet has converted more into conventional journaling. I'm basically already like half a hair's width away from actually keeping my diary on this website while I'm at it, but for what it's worth I DO want to treat this place as a personal library of sorts. A less raw and more "processed" version of my actual note taking and scrapbooking habits.

I don't know if this applies to other artists, but I'm of the opinion that the best way to get to know an artist is to look at their sketches. Their unfinished, pure thought and practice pieces, the ones that don't have to look polished and the ones that reveal more than just the form. They reveal patterns of thinking, habits of the hand, modus operandi... Maybe once I get brave enough, I'll actually start posting my unfinished sketches online, too, but for now it feels too revealing. It feels too... easy to judge. I feel like it'd overshadow my already small library of finished work. These pages might be the closest anyones going to get to understanding my inner workings as an artist, with all the mess that comes with that.

I don't think of myself as a particularly neat person, in fact I'd argue I'm actually messy to a fault, but it helps to organise thoughts - into lists or easily readable paragraphs - in order to sort of keep an active dialogue with yourself that's less foggy rumination and more active participation. I've struggled for a while - and still do - to the painfully alluring backseat of the mind. Taking the role of the audiance in my own daily functioning, it happens more times than I can count and I'm really not proud of it. Places like these, where I'm forced to pause my background noise and actually sit and talk/write kind of force me out of that seat, I go from autopilot to having the wheel in my hands. And while, yes, I still spend hours and hours coding and writing pages that ultimately don't contribute to anything productive in my life, it's still nice to actually MAKE something with my hands, even if it's purely digital.

From a young age, I was a very creative child. Possibly to a fault. Following directions was like heracy to me. I always had to do something with my own spin on it, my own take, my own rebellious two cents on the matter - even if that just meant laying motionless WITHOUT sleeping during nap time in kindergarden. Fittingly enough, one of my biggest fears as a child was LOSING creativity. I was told a lot by adults that, as you age, you stop imagining things as much, you stop drawing as much... That idea terrified me, so I went out of my way to, at least once a day, imagine something and try to see it as vividly as possible in the environment around me. This habit kind of stuck, but not in the same form. Nowadays I think I'm more scared of forgetting or being forgotten, more existential fears, but I feel like it all stems from the same primal instinct in me. Like I have a seedling of a Muse in my soul, and I need to keep her alive and well, and that if I die I need her to still be taken care of. It's a weird feeling, and as I'm writing it now I'm wondering if anyone really feels the same way...? It's weird to 'verbalise' it that way, but, it's essentially what's at the depths of my fears. Just a fear of losing this spark that Feels Unique To My Own Being. Maybe it's a personification of my anima, who knows. I still haven't finished reading Jung's book on the collective unconscious.

Speaking of reading, I've been meaning to do that more often.

MASKS WITHIN MASKS WITHIN MASKS WITHIN MASKS.
YOU ARE A VISAGE OF IDEALISED BLENDING.
MY SELF FROM THE SHELF I PICK UP BEFORE HEADING.
A POLITE WORD OR A SMILE IN A WAY WITHOUT DREADING.
AND THOUGH YOUR FACADE IS THE LEAST PAINFUL TO BEAR.
YOU ARE THE MASK THAT I LEAST OFTEN WEAR.